Through the power of prayer I learned, “Please guide me. Please show me the way beyond jumping and pleasing. Please allow me to understand that I will never be enough, or give enough to the unsatisfied in myself or others to bring out the light for them or that of myself to have gratitude, unless first they find a way to return to their own sense of grace. Grace and mercy freed me from the unhealthy way I was conditioned to believe was the way to be me.

Gifted with the all-knowing, but as a human not knowing it all. I have seen in humility the gifts that are within are treasures that allow me to walk with humble pride, unapologetic, and knowing that the ability to see has granted me the beauty of seeing that what I am to truly become was more beautiful than I thought I should become.

The day I would start to journey around the sun once more an unplanned move and a shift came. An unexpected, but very planned by the universe move, positioned me to live surrounded by well planned and landscaped trees, except for one. Or what I thought first to be one tree.

When I was me and the world around me wanted more of whatever it was that made me, I was good enough. Then they wanted me to teach them more, give more, and as they listened or received many were imagining ways they could improve me, how if I shared me and my gifts more could be like me.

I had a loop, a continual habit of guilty response by trying to overcompensate for what someone was so-called doing from the kindness of their heart. It came with a constant reminder of the sacrifice and suffering of that sacrifice. I would take full responsibility and try to make up for what was being done for me, now would feel like emotional manipulation.

I was once asked, what would be a good way to start connecting to your truth? My response was, “Your closet. Start with your personal clothes closet”. It sounds so simple, but it sets an intention, exposing the truth of worth and value. It opens the door to a lot of “some days” and how you may be punishing yourself with who you once were.

Hi, I would like to introduce you to my now really good friend and true soulmate, she was known as Shadow. Now, she is one of the fragments of the love of my life.

Oh yes, she is also my hero and biggest cheerleader.

She is so fucking unbelievable. She has saved and protected me more times than I can remember but more than that she was keeping my treasures and my secrets safe. She is no longer angry and defiant of me and the way that I discounted her worth.

The day arrives when the body shakes, the tears fall, and she can no longer hide. Instinctively the vibrational energy gives the same feeling and word of when she hits her big toe and this pain is fucking real and it’s one big, “Fuck!” The volcano has erupted and there just is simply no going back. She is the woman who has connected to her soul, and she don’t really give a fuck if her energy is making you feel good or if she no longer jumps to everyone’s whims. She is now giving some of the best of her and her gifts to herself and she learned from the best from those who never carried to notice if she was sad, hurting or if she needed something a little extra like a little bit of love. She learned if they don’t feel guilty for choosing themselves than why the fuck has she!

To first open your heart, find the places and spaces where you feel safe and allowed to spew it all out even if it doesn’t make sense. A place of none judgement and a voice with sincere eyes that say the most comforting words, “I believe you and I trust in you.” These words and that comfort allow the space to grow and to possibly come to a new truth, opening our eyes and our hearts.

There is a valuable message I can give all in the vibrational energy of the drum, “Don’t hold onto the friends that beat you down, rather hold onto the ones that rise you up and encourage you to keep following the beating of your own drum. And never become a victim to gaslighting your own insecurities with what you are unwilling to clarify by creating a story and an assumption in your head.”

When we flow with grace doing the right things for no other reason than it is kind, and because beneath our grumbling and complaining in our own mind and emotional stories, we deeply care. There is often a story that is in the feedback that gaslights the victim, the self saboteur, and feeds the narrative that keeps the stories alive. A call to action to reset my subconscious mind has been a joy and a journey I have taken. Paying close attention to the things I am asked to do by that little voice, the grumbling of the echo of the monster within and the action that comes with surprise outcomes, leaving me in awe and inspired. Those moments where I see that I, like all of us, are cared for so deeply that it’s hard to see, because the love of God required us to take action. This is how God consciousness does it with such grace.

Blank. Reborn to a freedom from all that was of a woman who once was. At the top of the stairs entering my basement is a blank canvas sitting in waiting for it’s future to be created. Symbolic of the woman standing as a blank canvas wondering, “Where does this life with only a feeling take me from here?” Possibly the canvas I placed up, as if it was already created, was placed with guided intention by the great spirits of creation of the work that has become my own rendition of a fool’s card. Waiting for me to take a leap of faith!

Right as the clock struck midnight on the night of the eclipse, just as the darkness was starting to cover the full moon, I found myself fighting hard for me. I was back outside dumpster diving to retrieve a part of me that I didn’t know meant so much to the man who loves this crazy woman who is the creator of madness, beautiful disasters, and love.

We live in the world where hope isn’t treated with deep consideration for what it truly entails. We have honesty and faith, but where is honesty when we accept lies to just have a resolution and then just chalk that up to, “We are all just human.”

The presence of a donkey as my spirit guide was a reminder of the human capability, and symbolic of the mockery and underestimating of self that hurts.  When you look deeper at the donkey and know your truth you will understand that the donkey was truly a magical horse that could fly.

I hated this picture when I first saw it and knew it meant I had to sit with the woman that was in the image and look deep into her eyes.

She had finally become beautifully angry and no not bitter. She has a joy, a sparkle and intensity of a woman ready to set her world on fire.

She had stopped trying to justify and what she thought was so ugly was the most beautiful, powerful parts. The parts they never wanted to rise because with that comes a truth and now she is unleashed from the past, from an identity or a reputation that others created and now she is finally free.

More Than “just” Existing™️ Began as a journey of healing from cruelty that was hard to comprehend, and the biggest I found was that I was the woman who kept putting myself into the line of fire. I use to believe I could be enough to make the not so nice be nice.

What I discovered was that I was my own enemy and that I was always telling myself a lie. I knew because I was gifted, but I had a spark of hope. I ignored, defended and even apologized more times than I care to remember.  I have no “sorry’s” but I have a lot of wisdom, compassion, love and boundaries. Most of all when it comes to my own mind - I will decide!

I took the vision board off the wall, put away all the kid stuff, and took one last look in the mirror at who she was looking for me to respond with, all that I had done wrong, and stopped thinking of what could be inside a big beautiful home or a career.  

This is a droplet of water that we call rain. Funny when we look at water or taste water, we are happy and satisfied but when comes down in buckets from the sky we call it rain and we complain!

But did we not ask the universe to provide?