I have buried the pieces that no longer serve my soul of who I once was in ceremony within and walked into allowing myself to be the “She Is” at the end of More Than Existing™! I am thankful I stayed until the end to be this woman as I think I may actually really be at peace with her. She was the one they called Corrina so long ago and today I am Corrie, but Corrina is an awareness of truth of the blessing of getting what you need and not what you want.

Born with a curious mind, an open heart, and an acceptance of a human existence, I discovered early on that I could not change another, but believed I had to try. Loyal to a fault became a curse, as I let all the hurts of another reflect back onto me. Those secrets, wounds, and canceling out statements came upon this earth long before me, as did the motives to manipulate and achieve satisfaction of a world people wanted. When the desire for change is initiated to fulfill personal fear and desire over a collective non-impulsive decision made from consideration and kindness for all involved, we are no longer pausing to even look at the cost of what that does to another.

Let me start with an honesty and a truth that aligns to my soul. I did not get over the past, it’s an unconscious term we use in asking a question. I moved beyond allowing the unhealthy influences of the past to project into my future, by reminding myself of who I am today and most of all instead of seeing the women in the middle of my stories, I saw the woman at the end making the hard decisions and choices, and how empowered she was in the moment, afraid but not owned by FEAR.

Courageously I am stepping into a place with a story of my return to the truth of my existence. I started a journey to save me from my own anxiety and fear of the woman I could see but not see. A woman no one can define in marketing and whom no one can nail down a “ niche” for, as too many layers are unfolding, and my ‘why’ to More Than Existing was to more than ‘just’ exist in any need to define. A woman who has fought hard to walk and to move. Yes, I mean that physical form of my fragile human self.  

A lifetime of dulling the light that was a privilege bestowed upon me and blessed by the God above, mine to hold but not mine to give away. How dare I believe it was okay to give away this little light that reflected my truest self? I gave away the gift that was a treasure with a little secret of what it would take to care for this light of mine. I gave all to avoid you bringing to light the unhealed insecurities within that human shell of yours, so l stayed uncomfortable in your pain.

I have stood in the essence of my own self judgement, through the human eyes, false light of hope, and half hearted truths. I was a toxic drug to my own existence, as my warped view reflected back in the mirror the hurt in my eyes, a reminder of all the words I would lash out at myself cutting deep into my heart like the edge of a razor blade. Too many times have I lived in self judgement, jabbing myself in the throat in order to spew up the suppression of words and keeping my truth from spilling out.

The impact of this and my own desire to emotionally grow up by surrendering over the ‘still in my heart younger versions of myself’ view of my life. Why I struggled with weight, finances, and relationships, and wanting to blame it on everyone in the world. All became my issues, my problems, and I could hear a nagging truth from I believe to be my true self repeated over and over, “Just grow up!”

Most of the truths were a lie based on the reality of the stories others wanted you to believe. Maybe it’s time to be a child with a devilish grin, carefree attitude, wearing your clothes inside out, and curiously asking, “What will they say when they see me walking around with my clothing turned inside out? What names will I hear that I no longer have to accept as my truth for I now know I am playing a joke and fooling them all as I distract them with what they want to believe based on what they see on the outside. Setting myself free to look, create, and just be me. Living in my moment of now, from the world I create, as I can see the truth of me. I now see that what was out there, is actually right here looking at me!”

Transformation is not a one time try, it’s a crash landing, falling before you understand it was never a game or a race but simply an evolution. By joining your own revolution and learning that in order to take flight you had to decide, “What if what I am feeling today is not right? What if I may be wrong? What if I am yet to know?” Then waiting no longer for an answer to hold you down. The peace and freedom of letting go of a reality and a truth that I believed in for so many years, no longer holds me captive to the fact that there could be a new possibility and the truth that the fight for a future that’s yet to exist may be holding me to all possibilities.

It has taken me years to see through the eyes of my younger self, and through the heart of the so called Goodyear Blimp, fat, misfit, ugly girl. The wannabe model of a truth that beauty comes in many different shapes and sizes. This young girl chose the “not so pretty” and “largest size dress” out of fear. The fear of what if? What if I am too fat for the beautiful dresses? What if others laugh if small sizes do not fit? The heartache and extreme pain of hate carried and buried me in the shame and pain for way too many years.

The responsibility is on me to learn to “just be” and let go of any need to “be” and start from the ground and allow the new world to be built from the inside out, as I learned from the eyes of the bee, who always takes the love home and patiently helps build a world from the inside out. Working together and coexisting in a common goal to create the golden laxer that can be shared when there is more than enough.

Yesterday I thought someone magically had paid off my debt as I walked around saying “Thank you,” to God and the universe, believing “Wow, I manifested that!” Today, I discovered the truth, which was that the payment to pay off the full debt was taken from the wrong account, and one that was already empty. As my Mother would say, “They can’t take blood from a turnip!” This error in repayment, was much larger than I could afford to give, and my heart sank this morning as I cried in my garden of pain. All I could see was a past that I had been neglecting, allowing the weeds to overgrow, becoming an endless battle that cannot be won in a single day.

As a society we have to stop assuming that we know each other’s story. I feel and listen when asked with love to hear another’s point of view. As a Mystic and Healer, my heart hurts when any human being is treated less than or more than another. The violence of our words against each other needs to stop with us. If we truly see and believe in any sort of a God consciousness, we should all remember that if we can all see each other in the image of the God above and the God within, then we should be seeing each other in love. Why can’t we focus on solution based resolutions instead of attacking or shaming one another?

I spent too many years held captive to that type of pain, and those eyes will never bind me again. A lifetime of setting myself free to find peace in the chaos, to not bend or bow but to remember I am my own staff. As my feet hit the floor, I will stand firm and believe that the shaming, destroying, and placing fellow humans on a virtual cross, dragging them through the mud (low energy in my eyes) is the wrong way to be.

The day I took ownership and responsibility for the woman I am today, I learned to set us both free by becoming the change that I wanted to see. From the true self I could see me and through her eyes I could see even more of me. As I complained about others hurting me, I was also doing to her, so what makes me better than any of them? Not a fucking thing! The day I owed my own shit, was the day I loved my mother more than ever before. My apologies are not on my knees begging, but in the actions of love and support I now surround her in as I truly listen to her stories as the healer in me would do for everyone else, but never for us. I was a repeat of her pain, and my desire to help everyone left me frustrated because I just could not help her see.

This past week I have received one of those miracles, a blessing in the form of my grandchild. She has stopped me in my tracks and made me rethink so many things. I am accustomed to, and am very comfortable in a storm, because most of my life was conditioned to believe the crazy energy of the storm of minds that can not sit in peace without noise was normal, but it’s so far from the source of the light and so far from us ever getting closer to a truth.

To all the women who had said, “I am done” and remembered their worth and took a stand by doing the things others said could not be done. To the women who have flowed through this world without ever knowing their worth and for the love of all humankind the healer in me will always now see the importance of respect, love and the light that arrives when we come to a place of peace within. What we do with a voice of love and kindness for all will open a beautiful space that all can come to rest and find peace.

use to say, “I would never date a trucker because I heard the stories!” Well surprisingly God had a beautiful man and a beautiful plan for me. The love of my life is a “trucker.” I never once thought of those words as my heart fell in love, but now instead of the stage where I should be I am on the road today, in a big truck traveling the back roads, showering in the showers at gas stations, and sleeping in a sleeper.

I am pink is a writing of love that came after my anger of the judgement that was placed upon me. I never assume or compare, I understand those who know pain on levels I can’t possibly yet understand, but I have seen the pain in the eyes of those that I know and those that have made my heart grow and opened my eyes to listen with love and not judgement. I am listening and always have listened.

Sometimes we don’t recognize that the emotions of anger and filtered stories of those who did love and care for us, were pushed away in a moment of disagreement, argument, or fear of being hurt. Most of the time these situations could have been fixed with a simple, “I’m sorry,” or “I forgive you.” Reality is that those same people and what put you together, was a common story. A mirror reflection of the internal struggle of jealousy and judgement we subconsciously have when we choose to let the fear of the unknown hold us back while others have made a choice to leap towards joy and happiness. The real emotion is often sadness that our fears and trauma have held us back.