I Have Weathered The Storms
Life will bring the storms no matter how much you try and avoid them. I get asked this question many times and there is no magical answer, “How did you let go of the past? How did you learn to love yourself?”
Let me start with an honesty and a truth that aligns to my soul.
I did not get over the past, it’s an unconscious term we use in asking a question. I moved beyond allowing the unhealthy influences of the past to project into my future, by reminding myself of who I am today and most of all instead of seeing the women in the middle of my stories, I saw the woman at the end making the hard decisions and choices, and how empowered she was in the moment, afraid but not owned by FEAR.
Loving myself is a forever journey as I am forever learning the feeling and connection of love. Being kind and caring to myself and my energy has become a priority.
There are 4 simple steps to follow, which can possibly be the hardest and does not come without a conscious, all in effort on your part.
First and foremost, I would like to say I found a ‘Why’, but it was not just a “why” it was anger! I got angry at being in pain and tired! I felt an anger that was not a frustration, but a desire to not become anyone in trying to just hold onto me. I realized I was a nobody of value or importance to me and the day it hit I cried until I realized I could feel me. You have to find the compassion for self to unthaw the barriers. “You are not here to suck it up, you are here to heal it all the way through to feel alive!”
I was already a somebody to a lot of people, so I didn’t need or want to be anybody other than me. But I was numb, I didn’t care about anything anymore, so it became acceptable to have the emotional insecurities of others laid on me as if I was responsible. Then I woke up! I needed me and you need you!
How? I started to feel in areas of my body a ping, a twitch, a cry, where at one time I had no feeling as my “conditioned to pain” body was starting to reject the story that pain was acceptable. Then came the desire to stop adding more, through the cry of the woman who was finally done! The pain didn’t end instantly like some magic fairytale. I accepted that I was my enemy. I had to stop hiding and ignoring the pain because running is an impossible, exhausting task.
It has been a soul release with love message for my human. A message from my soul to be healthy in alignment to the mind, body, and soul self we call the trinity of unconditional love.
Next, is a return to a truth before there could be self-love. I could not project onto another what I had within me. Why would I want to throw toxins at another when I knew how much it had caused damage to me? I did not want anyone to pay, I wanted the world to see through my eyes, my life, and my stories what betrayal, abandonment, and narcissistic tendencies will do to your human. There is no damage to your soul, it is just fine and has always been fine. The soul does not need us to heal it, it just needs the human to provide the experiences, and I am sure it would prefer much more enjoyable ones. All this awareness, action, and behaviour is our responsibility, and ours alone. We are the culprit of those actions projected into your life that become misery and suffering, caused by betraying and abandoning you out of a desire to be the one to fix and heal another. What are you still projecting out into the world as you wait for the “sorry” or to receive validation from another, that is hurting your soul? Forgiveness is another process, and that too is beyond the words.
This is where honesty and integrity of truth comes in.
That first sign and first harsh word you made an excuse for, that was your issue. You may have seen it before through the eyes of another and taken it to be acceptable and followed it with the statement, “ Oh but they didn’t mean it, or they just don ’ t understand.” The truth, you wanted to make someone see you are their magical fix and that will never be. When they start to live their best life, they will see you as the same woman who cannot see her own worth. The story of the woman who could not stand up. You can change your story! Stand up now and walk towards you, rather than trying to be the magic pill for the insecurities of another. Those individuals are seeking an energetic match for that life of misery and suffering. If you truly want to inspire change, rise up, by changing your energy and rising yourself up first! The more honest I became, the more I could own my role and that I could heal, but I could clearly see I was not responsible for someone else’s shit and that was not to be carried in me as pain or a reason to stay in misery.
I didn’t learn, I unlearned and deprogrammed from every quick fix, every magical cure, and from listening to the biggest voice with a great platform and a step-by-step guide to fix me. Sadly, healing can be a competitive business. Some have been so busy building a business in the thought of being, “The one, or a someone” to heal what no one else could for you, or the world, that they forgot to do the work on themselves. The “why” to my real and vulnerable truths of, “I may have the wisdom of a guru, but I am still implementing the wisdom within me to become knowledge.” Because of this, I am a teacher and a guide with a heart and a light that loves to share.
I stepped back and investigated my life, the energy invested, the words I created into titles and desires, beliefs, and values that we call conditioning, and went to a deep thought and questioned, “What is love?”
All has been based upon so many expectations and happiness of achieving a desired outcome. Next, I questioned happiness. I realized everything I had seen, I may have witnessed with a motive to manipulate a thought, reaction, or with an outcome of contentment and happiness of the wrong person in mind. My shadow self and fears could never be happy in the now with the past controlling the thoughts.
It was in rejection of a truth of a channel who said, “this is a truth that most will not speak of because impulsiveness and influences to be, keeps a person from understanding that self-love is integrity and dignity.”
Wouldn’t it be lovely in a relationship if there was nothing there, no connection? A person could say, “ I am not interested in you. I could give you a story, but I believe you understand what I mean. I have integrity and don ’ t want to lead anyone into a place that takes them away from all the work they are doing to restore the integrity of the human essence.” We say we can handle it, but the win, conclusion, and defensive impulses, just have a way of creeping in. Why does truth hurt? Because the ego/shadow self is still running the show! Stop wanting and accept the honestly as a blessing and an opportunity. Acceptance gives you leverage and power to turn towards focusing on getting to the truth of happiness in the now.
Self-love is not authentic until we are no longer contaminated by truth that spreads fear through the body and explodes into the brain, showing the attitude that will leave a hurt or a scar on you or another.
Self-love is the ability to face a truth within. Accepting that a sting is not a forever wound, unless you internalize and create the scene of where the aftereffects become worse than the initial effect, the beginning of truth. To accept the truth of another and one that their truth was actually what we call love. Love does not intentionally hurt, it provides space, time, integrity, hope, and faith, and when all else falls away and you are still here you can say nothing that takes your inner peace, but appreciate the fact that you in the not getting all your wants has now become everything of the possibilities of exploring and discovering what you need your future to feel like, because now you are trusting the feel.
Last but not least, the past is your reference point and not your living point. It is the place to refer back to, to gain the tools and wisdom (not define you) but to create, master, and sculpt a life that is not created to be hidden in the box of conditioning to what we should be but who, “I AM free to be.” That’s the place of power and that all happens in the now!
The person or situation of the past is not here to control you now so why are you putting their face onto the one entrapping you in your today ’ s or holding you from your possible tomorrow ’ s?
So long answer short, I took ownership and responsibility. I stopped blaming, assuming, and creating stories in my head, and I said as I am well known for saying about anything, “Fuck it!” I was never good at following the crowd or being in the box so I just can ’ t follow fear and misery. I am guided by faith and now that I am living in my truth, I am not held hostage to my past nor is anyone else.
I am not always at the place of self-love, but I am aware of my human and to look inwards not outwards to anyone else. I am creating my heaven on earth which is in the heart of peace of a world that ’ s not mine to change. I live in the middle and that leaves room to reason and prepare for the storms that will always come and I am as prepared as I can be and that is all that I can do.
I live in the awe of magic and miracles and I choose to see the magic! Those are the moments of “You can ’ t make this shit up!” Live in the reflection of the eye of the beholder and you will always see what is needed the most - unconditioned love.
There will always be something to clean up, and that too is okay. You came to live life not perfect life!
Corrie Thorne
Spiritual & Emotional Consultant
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay