Dead While Alive
One day it just happened! What happened? I am unsure if I can honestly say with complete certainty, but I just started to thaw from a state of being numb and feeling as if I were already dead. A conditioned state brought on through twenty plus years of disassociating to the present moment experiences of love and light. I was living in overdrive, overworked, and aware of everyone else, but not of myself.
I started to take notice of the personal neglect and behavioral issues I had just previously ignored and times that I had let go of an opportunity to stand in my power and say it was okay when it was not.
There were many things my strong “in herself” inner child and young adult had fought for her whole life yet had surrendered over somehow to a world that did not have an ability to SEE the Godliness of love within us all.
That child of me, then the young woman (who was a SEER) began to close the blinds of her eyes, her ears, and all senses that were an innate part of her truth and identity because the frustration was too much due to an overwhelming relationship with the material world.
I had begun to see this mistreatment was such an easy thing to do, and most of all had become acceptable as others just turned a blind eye and swept the dirt under the rug. I just could not understand how this was acceptable behavior or as I would hear, “It’s just easier.” Or even more confusing, “It just keeps the peace.” Really?!
How is it possible that misery can be the easiest way? How is a constant nagging of internal arguments, stuffing down deep secrets, and quieting festering wounds, a place of peace? It can’t be. It becomes the impossible, defeating, and eroding away of the human structure until we are ‘just’ existing.
Born with a curious mind, an open heart, and an acceptance of a human existence, I discovered early on that I could not change another, but believed I had to try. Loyal to a fault became a curse, as I let all the hurts of another reflect back onto me. Those secrets, wounds, and canceling out statements came upon this earth long before me, as did the motives to manipulate and achieve satisfaction of a world people wanted. When the desire for change is initiated to fulfill personal fear and desire over a collective non-impulsive decision made from consideration and kindness for all involved, we are no longer pausing to even look at the cost of what that does to another.
As I was unfolding, awakening, and thawing, the shivers and chills vibrated through me as I thought, “Where have I been?” Today, I am now in a place and state of grace and innocence instead of an anger held to what I could not understand.
I have asked God to wrap around me, as I come back to life, providing the warmth, and guiding me through those moments I do not understand. I stay in this place of peace until my response and the ‘why’ to my questioning appears. I pray for the light of God now day and night, not out of fear but out of faith, hope, and from a state of grace.
“Let me stand in the shadow of your light, but never in the shadows of fear, and within a place of grace allow me to shine my light and my love, even if that day it is only for me.”
I now see with love how we hold onto a belief that we are alive when we are walking with the stories of the past and the energies that are now dead, living in the personal feelings and personality of the “created on earth self” having become your truth. From that place that we call darkness, where no light appears to hold us up, to walk tall in a faith but with a fear of how horrible that death will be because of a misperception and unhealthy programmed thought that peace would appear. A place of which I to ‘just existed’ in for way too many years.
I have been awake since I arrived here in this world but have always been happiest connected to the spirit world and all that was out there. A place where they understood the value of this short time on earth. I would often escape my human and leave my light body that had become a body of unbearable pain I had numbed until I felt no longer alive.
Today, I walk in a state of bloom, opening each petal one at a time, slowly and steadily coming to life and embracing a virtuous life. I am divinely dignified with a truth that allows me to never again keep things alive that I need to let die.
Acceptance is a must on the personal journey. Another’s life, thoughts, choices, and decisions are not ours to change or to carry as personal pain, but always take ownership of your own. This is the one ingredient that allows us to feel alive while we are present here upon this earth. Live every day as if you are in bloom and allow the love to keep you alive and begin to be connected.
Think of a rose as one single rose kept alive after being plucked from its roots. It was killed yet kept alive by placing it in water for the pleasure of another. Leaving it to be in its natural state of living out its lifecycle out in a garden of color and fragrance was just not enough, we needed it to live in our house.
I am attached at the root, connected to the Divine Mother and to Mother Earth. I’m receiving all the nutrients and love from the Divine Mother’s above and below and I am living fully present right here in this house of the human experiences that I will have to face and create.
I see it now through my ability to create. As one single rose and all roses in the garden represent the life of Jesus who as a person I have channeled since a child. I see him, you, and I all as one, with individual personalities, spoken to and programmed differently, and this I accept.
This I remember as the reason for why the rose would have thorns, just like me it was trying to protect itself from the world that could not SEE. What really sparked me to life and start to blossom was the ability to see into and beyond the light of the Angelic presence that has so often appeared in my life both in spirit and human form. A forever reminder of the power of love, confirming that I was not crazy, I was just always listening to Source. For some those answers were just never enough, as many are still blinded by fear and without the ability to SEE.
Please remember, anything cut from the root can live like it’s alive for a short period of time, but is that really enough? This is the ‘why’ to the journey of More Than Existing, to live as if you are truly alive!
Corrie Thorne
Author & Creator of More Than Existing™