Courage to See The Relationship
Courageously I am stepping into a place with a story of my return to the truth of my existence. I started a journey to save me from my own anxiety and fear of the woman I could see but not see.
A woman no one can define in marketing and whom no one can nail down a “ niche” for, as too many layers are unfolding, and my ‘why’ to More Than Existing was to more than ‘just’ exist in any need to define.
A woman who has fought hard to walk and to move. Yes, I mean that physical form of my fragile human self.
My journey has not been a marketing scheme or a tool to achieve the so-called great awakening, which I can attest is nothing of the fairytale. Most of all, it was never about being a celebrity or needing the approval from a stranger out there.
I cannot tell you how to awaken as I am still fully unsure of the experiences of my life, but I can guide you through the story of the ‘how’ and the ‘why’ to my drive to more than exist beyond the unfavorable conditions of a life that left me with a condition beyond my control.
From childhood until now, I have come to know that somehow God (whatever and whoever she, he, or it is) must have a plan, because the magic and miracles I cannot explain other than in my upcoming book of, “You Can’t Make This Shit Up! © ”
It must be love! Otherwise I am unsure why I am still here. I have learned to see the moments and opportunities I have been blessed with and with the free will choices I squandered away because God only knows I have never taken the safe or the easy road. Those choices I could never use God as the scapegoat for, as the resistance and the red flags were clearly there.
Much of my message starts (as the Divine reminds me to have patience because we are not fully there yet) with a compassion as they are also talking to the human in me! There comes a time when you find the confidence and faith in yourself that you stop explaining the unexplainable directions of a life you never expected.
I have questioned more than once, how can this possibly be me? Wait ....... let me ask this again, “Why me?”
My first encounter (and not with aliens, that came way later) was one of shock and disbelief, but I never questioned if this could be real. I saw and heard so clearly in an awakened state of sleep as I gazed upon the crucified, but very awake and alive Jesus. Unafraid as I felt this was not the first time, but my faith in me had been too weak previously to fully see and could just hear voices of love.
I was led forward in faith, hand in hand with the divine spirit of Mother Mary, whom I had never questioned, as I accepted the relationship was one to guide me through the transformation of a life as the healer in me awakened to discover there was so much to heal. More than that, I would have so much to give while a vessel to the divine light of the Mother with the love and the power of all the mothers who have walked this earth once before.
A mother and a woman who knew pain at the feet of her son was guiding me to heal beyond my stories of pain and the decision I made out of fear in a choice to choose, and a woman that others wanted to define, know, and judge.
Mother Mary and I have been walking this journey as she guides and I open my heart and voice to be of service for a few years now. Once again, she has asked me to walk with her as she guided me to a cross. To a man on the cross with as much love in his eyes as I had pain. I felt an incredible sense of pain as I was asked to do the unthinkable and place the crown upon his head, surrendering over my pain into his loving care.
I had climbed a ladder to reach this man (which at the time I had no idea was symbolic to the ladder we are given at the beginning of life’s journey) but believed I had reached the top. I have much to learn about what it takes to reach and be at the top! This was one of many lessons taught as he has appeared during times of hard prayers, as I sleep, and when I am in and out of grace.
I am not defined by any religion, as Jesus was also not defined. He was a healer, a real man of faith who proclaimed that if we could find enough love in our hearts we could unite. His moments spent with the children, an innocence without prejudice and a curious mind, are the times he shows me how real, funny, and full of joy he truly was. A truth he would like us all to see if hate could be replaced with curiosity.
I had sat in awe as I witnessed. Praying for a miracle, Jesus appeared in a flame of light, while I was being guided in another awake dream to have trust and to not look back while a voice of fear was telling me to awaken. My heart held tight to the voice of two Mary ’ s telling me that this was another choice, to follow fear or follow the face of faith. Temptations would always show up with two faces: one of damnation and the other as beauty too good to be true. If I followed my heart, my body would always turn back to the direction of the light.
Manipulation and deceit are often the one screaming the fear story the loudest. Strong in faith, I did not look back or awaken, even through the smell of burning wood tempting my human with evidence to be afraid. Staying strong in faith, I followed the Mary’s, awakening the next morning to discover a hole in my desk where a candlelight vigil asking for a miracle for another had been left to burn. The desk covered by a cheap plastic tablecloth was scattered with the glass of a now broken candle holder, an event that should have started a full out fire. But here, on this now scarred desk, a vial of blessed holy water, small statue of Mother Mary, and a few beautiful gems were all left in tack.
Forwarding ahead, beyond the many encounters, writings, and channeling of Abraham and God, which is a matter of fact as I have heard them all talking back to me since I was a child, but with a thought that everyone in the world must hear the same.
I share, not in an attempt to explain, but rather to give a little hope, that the journey has transpired when no one was looking and with no need to explain. I have been sitting in the process of self-discovery, learning how to operate this well-oiled machine we call the human shell.
This personal relationship has been about becoming the best human I could possibly be, with compassion, and patience to self-evolve. The rest of the soul and spirit never really needed me or anyone else to awaken.
Being a mystic, channel, writer, healer, and all titles that I hear and take in, takes its toll on the human heart. Some days blending with my own worries, it has been more than one can bare.
I do not just feel and hear myself or others close by, I hear and feel the world and beyond, as I live fully connected. As much as so many want to be me or to do this work, be thankful that this part of your gifts have not fully awakened, for to be a prophetess and mystic, I did not seek but followed this life since birth as it is a part of me.
My fear of the contaminated mind started back as a young girl when I would hide the bible under my pillow. The bible is truly a good read if you look at it with the curiosity of, “What does this story really mean in relation to the metaphoric story that creates a story?”
In my human moments and daily humble chores, I have seen my own death appear out of nowhere, and all those I love standing at my celebration of life, talking of me with such love. Upon witnessing, my first thought was, “ Why did you all wait until I was dead to say the nice things?” Lol. In truth they did, but were they always to the human who has had to awaken to love?
A voice echoed in the vision, “ You have climbed your ladder of life, you have found the way and done the work, this is now your choice to choose. We can take you home or you can stay.”
I always thought I would say a big fat, “ YES! Take me home!” But to my surprise I saw a flicker of faces of those who do not need another burden of pain, and in that moment I remember feeling the tears starting to fall down my face, still unsure if I would have what it takes to live this human life, but with faith and hope I knew this was my truth for now I am curious.
With wisdom, knowledge, and in a long standing relationship with the light, I was willing to try to not be the envy of the light, but the spark of a beautiful human and trust that would be more than enough. I pray this will ignite a new flame in the story of hope and faith, reminding others that as long as you have good intentions and live with the light of love, kindness, and compassion, then you have faith in your dreams.
The days following the vision of death were a struggle like all the rest, heightened by an emotional breakdown full of disappointment and sadness, as my first published book More Than Existing had not shipped out the author’s copies and instantly I directed the blame at myself. A simple but complex moment of disappointment, sadness, and a fear that I had once again failed me.
Crumbling to the floor, curling up in a fetal position, crying as nothing I had ever done before. There was no stopping the wave of emotions and feelings. I felt humiliated by all my weaknesses and aware that I was not in that moment able to be strong. Too weak to stand, I screamed out “God I am this time so done! I am weaker than I have ever been, and I can ’ t see a light of how I will get out!” I yelled out my humility, shame, but also gratitude in the fact that at 49 I was having to allow other people to help me in ways that I felt at the time was a sign of shame for all the years I did not know my worth.
Finding just enough strength, I crawled to my knees and I asked with nothing left to my voice and barely a breath, “ God, Jesus, whoever is out there at this point, I don ’ t even care, I am now done! I surrender! Mercy!”
That was a turning point for I had asked for help, one of the keys to any relationship. You cannot assume that all will know your needs. He was there all these years just waiting for me to get serious and commit to my asking. A voice answered back loud and clear, “Look at me!” In that moment I understood there is no shame in our moments of sadness and weakness. Someday, trust me, you will not be as strong as you may believe you are, and this has set me free from my misery.
Tears flooding faster than before, I was left in awe. I saw Mother Mary at the feet of her son, and instantly all of my pain and attention shifted to her and I heard, “I am the Christ light. I am Lord Jesus Christ!” My heart felt no desire to stare, but to drop my head and to sit in absolute silence as I listened with love.
I have no words to help paint a picture for you describing exactly what transpired, but I have come to understand humble and love go hand in hand, for it was explained so clearly that the same light that is within Him is within me and within you.
My life never went into some crazy desire to chase the light as this I heard with a conviction, “Don ’ t try to be or live in my light, look beyond me, and please see the reflection of the light of our Heavenly Father in your own reflection.”
He did not come to ‘save me’, He came to show me that this is the way of being the saviour of my own life. I am looking every day at my ‘why’ of existence with peace, intent on planting seeds of hope. He has showed me that he was always guiding, but inspiration would have to come from me!
Now with a curious mind I have been looking without defining but trusting that what God within and without has for me will not come in limiting myself to be clustered in fear, greed, or competition.
I have never tried to be me, I just was. Sometimes that will not be enough or too much and that is now okay because these relationships have taught me so much about the one with myself. Without this relationship I will never be happy or content in one with someone out there.
Today I tell a truth as the indigenous, witchy, 1/2 breed, star seed, alien, human, intelligent woman has now come to know, that life has to be one of unity, open minds, and common sense. This is still a must! Never be a sacrificial lamb to anyone including your own insecurities and fears.
Today with hope, love, and compassion, I can tell you the awakening is not in waking up the spirit, it’s in waking ourselves up to see beyond the bright light of desire and fear and stop trying to live the ‘step-by-step how to’ false illusion.
Let go of the tight grip to the past, the desire to have what another has, or to be someone other than yourself. Surrender over the need to think for others and control the world. Live for the human experience of building healthy relationships, starting with listening to the mind, soul, and the essence of the spirit within that has always been trying to guide you!
Your test will always be one of a free will choice to choose, but a healthy mind will allow the heart to guide you all the way to the ultimate sense of peace and freedom, contentment!