The Fire Of My Soul
I have discovered that what I thought was anger was actually a burning desire of passion, igniting the fire of my soul to live from the essence of the spirit that has been screaming my name for way too many years. Years spent numb and dead to my own soul’s needs yet wide awake for the world’s.
I have stood in the essence of my own self judgement, through the human eyes, false light of hope, and half hearted truths. I was a toxic drug to my own existence, as my warped view reflected back in the mirror the hurt in my eyes, a reminder of all the words I would lash out at myself cutting deep into my heart like the edge of a razor blade. Too many times have I lived in self judgement, jabbing myself in the throat in order to spew up the suppression of words and keeping my truth from spilling out.
Trying to understand why good people turn away or instantly dislike a woman they don’t even know can be difficult to understand. Perhaps that “too nice person” gets on everyone’s nerves as she is the reflection of all we know we are doing as a rebel to the soul and essence of the spirit within that loves us on levels we can not yet accept.
Others along this same journey have tried to ignite my soul, assist with the healing, and gently remind me of my worth, but this human of me was stubborn as fuck and so willing to be the sacrificial lamb rather than have anyone else hurt. Playing the role of a sacrificial lamb dampened her light too many times with the fear of “what if her childhood premonition is real? What if the beautiful woman was real? What if she is truly the chosen one of her own desire to see the world heal and shine?”
Glancing back at a picture of myself riding an old snowmobile, glowing but yet in incredible pain, provided a much needed reminder of a trip I undertook to challenge myself. To prove that I had the ability to handle a powerful snowmobile, that was more powerful than I, but by working together with the machine I could maneuver it through challenging terrain, holding it to a slant and saving both the machine and myself from tumbling into a ravine. Hearing the voice of my daughter echo out in admiration, “OMG mom you are incredible! Is there anything you can’t do?”
Up until recently there was one very important thing I have not been able to do, and that has been to stand for me! To ignite my own fire and not feel one bit bad for choosing me!
The power of the fire, the essence of my soul and the power behind my gifts has been held back for much too long out of a fear I am too much. Afraid that I would have to walk alone or have others falsely believe that I am better than anyone else. I am no different then anyone else for we are all worthy, and I am worthy of the results of all the hard work I have put in to this journey of me.
I have been schooled by the insecurities of life, convincing me there was something wrong with me, dampening that little girl dream, but no longer! That fire in my human is now answering the call of love, done healing the reflection of another on me and my soul, and now lighting the true fire within.
The stories of my life spilt from the pages of my books More Than Existing and Living Beyond The Reflection healing the woman I am of today. A woman who lives deep in faith, love, hope, and support from those who get me. Moving forward with purpose, love and acceptance for who I am, replacing that once inner voice of self-judgment and suppression with love, strength, and confidence.
My drive and purpose lays in helping others see their true essence inside, letting go of the need to be perfect, and instead embracing the beauty within that is there just waiting to be set free! Helping all to live a life of more than ‘just’ existing.