Transformation is not a one time try, it’s a crash landing, falling before you understand it was never a game or a race but simply an evolution. By joining your own revolution and learning that in order to take flight you had to decide, “What if what I am feeling today is not right? What if I may be wrong? What if I am yet to know?” Then waiting no longer for an answer to hold you down. The peace and freedom of letting go of a reality and a truth that I believed in for so many years, no longer holds me captive to the fact that there could be a new possibility and the truth that the fight for a future that’s yet to exist may be holding me to all possibilities.

It has taken me years to see through the eyes of my younger self, and through the heart of the so called Goodyear Blimp, fat, misfit, ugly girl. The wannabe model of a truth that beauty comes in many different shapes and sizes. This young girl chose the “not so pretty” and “largest size dress” out of fear. The fear of what if? What if I am too fat for the beautiful dresses? What if others laugh if small sizes do not fit? The heartache and extreme pain of hate carried and buried me in the shame and pain for way too many years.

The responsibility is on me to learn to “just be” and let go of any need to “be” and start from the ground and allow the new world to be built from the inside out, as I learned from the eyes of the bee, who always takes the love home and patiently helps build a world from the inside out. Working together and coexisting in a common goal to create the golden laxer that can be shared when there is more than enough.

Yesterday I thought someone magically had paid off my debt as I walked around saying “Thank you,” to God and the universe, believing “Wow, I manifested that!” Today, I discovered the truth, which was that the payment to pay off the full debt was taken from the wrong account, and one that was already empty. As my Mother would say, “They can’t take blood from a turnip!” This error in repayment, was much larger than I could afford to give, and my heart sank this morning as I cried in my garden of pain. All I could see was a past that I had been neglecting, allowing the weeds to overgrow, becoming an endless battle that cannot be won in a single day.

As a society we have to stop assuming that we know each other’s story. I feel and listen when asked with love to hear another’s point of view. As a Mystic and Healer, my heart hurts when any human being is treated less than or more than another. The violence of our words against each other needs to stop with us. If we truly see and believe in any sort of a God consciousness, we should all remember that if we can all see each other in the image of the God above and the God within, then we should be seeing each other in love. Why can’t we focus on solution based resolutions instead of attacking or shaming one another?

I spent too many years held captive to that type of pain, and those eyes will never bind me again. A lifetime of setting myself free to find peace in the chaos, to not bend or bow but to remember I am my own staff. As my feet hit the floor, I will stand firm and believe that the shaming, destroying, and placing fellow humans on a virtual cross, dragging them through the mud (low energy in my eyes) is the wrong way to be.

The day I took ownership and responsibility for the woman I am today, I learned to set us both free by becoming the change that I wanted to see. From the true self I could see me and through her eyes I could see even more of me. As I complained about others hurting me, I was also doing to her, so what makes me better than any of them? Not a fucking thing! The day I owed my own shit, was the day I loved my mother more than ever before. My apologies are not on my knees begging, but in the actions of love and support I now surround her in as I truly listen to her stories as the healer in me would do for everyone else, but never for us. I was a repeat of her pain, and my desire to help everyone left me frustrated because I just could not help her see.

This past week I have received one of those miracles, a blessing in the form of my grandchild. She has stopped me in my tracks and made me rethink so many things. I am accustomed to, and am very comfortable in a storm, because most of my life was conditioned to believe the crazy energy of the storm of minds that can not sit in peace without noise was normal, but it’s so far from the source of the light and so far from us ever getting closer to a truth.

To all the women who had said, “I am done” and remembered their worth and took a stand by doing the things others said could not be done. To the women who have flowed through this world without ever knowing their worth and for the love of all humankind the healer in me will always now see the importance of respect, love and the light that arrives when we come to a place of peace within. What we do with a voice of love and kindness for all will open a beautiful space that all can come to rest and find peace.

use to say, “I would never date a trucker because I heard the stories!” Well surprisingly God had a beautiful man and a beautiful plan for me. The love of my life is a “trucker.” I never once thought of those words as my heart fell in love, but now instead of the stage where I should be I am on the road today, in a big truck traveling the back roads, showering in the showers at gas stations, and sleeping in a sleeper.

I am pink is a writing of love that came after my anger of the judgement that was placed upon me. I never assume or compare, I understand those who know pain on levels I can’t possibly yet understand, but I have seen the pain in the eyes of those that I know and those that have made my heart grow and opened my eyes to listen with love and not judgement. I am listening and always have listened.

Sometimes we don’t recognize that the emotions of anger and filtered stories of those who did love and care for us, were pushed away in a moment of disagreement, argument, or fear of being hurt. Most of the time these situations could have been fixed with a simple, “I’m sorry,” or “I forgive you.” Reality is that those same people and what put you together, was a common story. A mirror reflection of the internal struggle of jealousy and judgement we subconsciously have when we choose to let the fear of the unknown hold us back while others have made a choice to leap towards joy and happiness. The real emotion is often sadness that our fears and trauma have held us back.

My life of knowing I was surrounded by fears of the god they held to be responsible to take us to the flames of hell for speaking a truth, conditioned to not question the unknown and unintentional lies. Knowing that my channel could hear the chatter and fears of others was a reality I would come to accept, and this I guess is how it shall always be. A life of the stories, the lies that become the comfort of the life that we shall always be. In truth we are living in a bubble, but with a fear of heights or of flying into the sky trapped within that bubble. Have you thought that maybe you have always been floating above? With the rush and desire to just exist, overriding the fear of looking down, you will see the truth that the floating floor of the bubble is already suspended in the air.

There is a monster in me and “witch” by that I mean b**** I have not been able to please. There was a thirst for forgiveness and a desire to please. A dream and a wish of love and success that I would take from my soul to give to another. I had become tired and frustrated that no one was listening and the no one turned out to be me. That little witch and little monster had always been me, a desire and a frustration that I could not see until the day I fasted away instead of feasted to be. In the emptiness and the darkness I seen what I could not see. I could not hear pass the muffle of fears of the past, that I have always been love. Yes I have always been a “good girl” loving and kind. My soul had never intentionally hurt another but I punished myself with seeking forgiveness without ever knowing what I had done and when I may have spoken from the human I spent a lifetime with in stories and sending love. I was giving attention to the places that judged instead of those who inspired, silly little monster in me!