Learning from My Little Asshole (and My Cat Phoebe)

Phoebe needs to feel safe in her environment. She has big emotions, and when she feels threatened, she gets defensive. Early in her life, she wasn’t emotionally or physically protected, so she became the protector.

And there it was, the mirror.

I saw myself in Phoebe. I saw how deeply I love and how disappointed I get when people are unkind to themselves or to others. I saw how I used to shut down my own “little asshole” identity—the part of me that wanted to say what others wouldn’t, to name what others couldn’t see. Over the years, I buried the sensitive one—the emotional, deeply feeling me—and built the version who acted like nothing hurt. The one who could take anything thrown at her and just keep going. Work hard. Make money. Do what you do because people need you. Don’t complain, don’t expect celebration—just get to work. But underneath that armor, my inner “little asshole” was protecting something precious: the sad one. The one who was never properly nurtured, who longed to be acknowledged, who wanted to be seen as enough.

So yeah, when she comes out, she can be possessive, sharp, and defensive, just like Phoebe when she hisses. Sometimes it’s not even about anger, it’s exhaustion. Sometimes we’re not trying to be assholes. We’re just tired of the bullshit and in need of rest. Sometimes we are just tired of arrogance being disguised as innocence. The statement, “Oh I didn’t know…” Yes too often there is a knowing, a secret hope that is not so nice or so kind. Phoebe has taught me to not to sit back and accept the unkind in someone that appears as nice because I definitely can’t accept it in myself.

Everyone has a little sinister inside.

Your shadow has hidden agendas. There’s a little sinister in most people, it’s just easier to see from the outside than from within. It becomes clear to the person on the receiving end of an energetic attack long before the sender realizes it. Because the sender still believes the story: “I’m the nice one.” But “nice” doesn’t always mean kind. Sometimes, “nice” means performing safety while repressing truth.

Those hidden, unresolved hurts relish in the idea that someone else might stumble—especially when that someone seems to be thriving. Maybe it’s the friend who’s always succeeding, and your inner jealousy quietly smirks when they hit a bump in the road—before you text to “check in.” Or maybe you don’t share their good news with others because a small, secret part of you fears that if they shine, you’ll disappear.

Before you say, “I’d never…”, pause. Take a deeper look.

Radical self-honesty is liberating. Observe your thoughts. Watch your reactions. Notice how your support shows up or doesn’t. We all have a little “asshole” energy inside, the part that feels jealous, resentful, or small. The goal isn’t to judge it. It’s to recognize it. To ask it what it needs.

When you start working with this energy consciously, something powerful happens. You stop pretending. You stop defending the “nice person” identity which irritates the shit out of your little asshole. You start breaking up with the old self-image, the “claim to fame” that kept you small and exhausted. “It’s okay,” flows over your lips but inside the little asshole is beginning to net-pick because truth is speaking, “Why are you ashamed of your emotions?”

That’s when the liberation begins. Radical self-honesty is messy, uncomfortable, and deeply freeing.

I learned to have a conversation with the little asshole. I’ve learned to talk to mine. When she shows up nit-picking or criticizing, I ask her: “What’s really bothering you? Why are you about to react instead of express?” Because every shadow impulse has a root in pain, disappointment, or longing. Beneath every hiss, there’s a heart that just wants to feel safe. Phoebe taught me that.

Sometimes, the part of us that seems most difficult isn’t broken—it’s just tired of not being protected. Of not having someone who protects their peace.

See it as calling up and not calling out the parts of your self that need to be understood. This isn’t about shaming your shadow; it’s about calling it up. Silent jealousy, defensiveness, or withdrawal are messengers all from the same energy but possibly different experiences. They’re showing you where love wants to grow. You don’t hate the person who happened to be in your focus when triggered by your thoughts. You’re actually disappointed in yourself for not showing up as fully as you want to, and when you finally own that truth, you reclaim your power.

You stop being “nice.” You start being real. And that’s where healing begins. You stop coddling your “nice one” and you set her free of the expectations.

Think about it…What part of your “little asshole” identity is actually protecting something vulnerable within you? What would happen if you gave that part love, safety, and rest instead of judgment?

Much Love,

Corrie Thorne-Cameron

This reflection is part of the More Than Existing teachings, where self-awareness, shadow work, and spiritual growth meet in radical self-honesty and self-compassion. Because even our little inner assholes deserve healing. You are worth emotionally and spiritually levelling up!