A little story inspired by a little Betta fish with a name that speaks to the time in which she arrived in my life.

Hope left today. Why did Hope go away? She was done living inside a fish and contained to a tank I guess. So the body she was in died. Hope lived in a little blue beta fish, and today the fish died and for a short time Hope went as well.

Maybe Hope needed to be freed? I don’t really know why. She was no longer swimming to the top, waiting to be fed.

I woke up this morning and there was a dead fish, just there on the bottom, simply dead. Hope was not there. I felt the emptiness in my heart. I dared not say, “What else today?” As I knew the day would go on.

Hope didn’t die. The fish died, and I don’t know why. Just because Hope was ready to be freed I suppose.

Hope was just gone and the water was still there. The fish was still there. Everything was there. Her food from last night was there, but there was no Hope. There was a dead fish at the bottom, but Hope was not there. Hope left and her light was no more in the fish. Hope had moved on. No more was hope in the body of this fish.

She stayed with us for several years, hoping I guess to bring us happiness. I guess now she has become so much more. She tried and in the moment of seeing her in the store, temporary happiness appeared. With time, this little fish holding the soul of Hope became something I complained about. One more thing that was enjoyable for another but work for me. But when there was no one but us she was one of the reasons I woke up every morning. I let the dogs out and then I would go feed this little fish holding the soul of Hope, and I would smile.

She gave me Hope until one day I was no longer speaking to her, just throwing some food in the tank to simply keep her alive. There is no wonder why Hope went away! How many times do we simply give the bare minimum to the things you once so called “loved”. You wanted it so bad but then you stopped feeding it, caring for it, and the Hope on the other side simply walked away.

I hoped to be enough. I hoped to be seen, to be appreciated. I showed up and gave my all and that was never enough. I stopped hoping for things to work out and I let that version of me stay until something died and my soul walked away. There was no heart, light, or love left to give. Everything went dark and the light went away.

Today Hope left. I took my little fish’s body outside and buried it in the ground, underneath the tree called Mother Plum who saved my life and reminded me to never lose faith in myself. Mother Plum reminded me that sometimes my hope would have to walk away from people and situations, but my faith in something I could not see would keep hope coming back like the anticipation of the ripening of the plums.

I know Hope will return to me and maybe this time she will be a red fish and not a blue fish. This time I will appreciate the time I have with this little fish a whole lot more because it will be like everything else - temporary, but to the soul what is cultivated is permanent.

Hope is good for the soul, but always hoping to be enough kills something inside of us slowly.

Hope has a deeper meaning and when you find it you know your soul will carry something special permanently.

Lose faith, and you lose hope. Lose hope and we lose everything, but the light will move on.

Corrie Thorne-Cameron