In this moment I sit in a symphony of what I can only describe as musical notes of love, coming to realize that I am privileged, maybe not by the definition of a world screaming at us as we are assuming that we are who they want us to be, so there is an image to blame. I am privileged because of so many things, but most of all privileged to be aging and aligning to my maturity as I observe how easy we get lost when we move so far away from the home of faith, love, and hope. 

During the process of dismantling and observing a world who wanted someone to blame for the uncomfortable, breaking open fear that is inside. I was on my knees in pain and despair not so long ago and my grandmother and the beautiful Divine Mother sat me at the table inside of the Spirit warming my heart and reminded me of the beautiful moments we forget when we become stuck in seeing only misery. They showed me an image of a home with a light on and said, “This has always been your dream. A place for children to grow up to be beautiful, kind adults so they would not be an unhealthy influence with a desire of fear but of inspiration.”

Witnessing from a new perspective and a disconnect in the bond that ties us all as being ‘One'. A sense of loss and fear combined in the perfect storm, fear of exposure, and secrets that are hidden deeper than the story we want to tell in hopes that the deepest secrets will never come to the light. That point in our lives when we stopped maturing and growing, when the burdens of hurt and pain stopped a relationship that was here to mature until death due us part. The union of human and spirit and an unaware sense that the human being kept growing and appeared to be a full, put together adult, but still convincing ourselves that its still okay to play with the toys of a child and living in the hurts of the younger or the broken down mind.

We have all played the game and become like the kids holding on, screaming, yelling, bullying, and now as you read this looking around at your family and friends thinking you all know someone who has acted or been acting like this.

We have evolved to this so be kind to yourself, for each generation in a desire to be something or do better than the generations before started to cling to the false light and began moving away from ownership and responsibilities. We have become a world addicted to the distractions of life, away from the real problems. We fill up on fillers, false hope, and faith, and sadly we started to idolize the imposters of the light. Those with such a desire to play character roles and we idolize these as if this is what we want to become and look like. Sadly, those are so far from real but have even convinced themselves that it is now their reality.

As I found myself stepping into becoming a new level of responsibility, I also found myself not wanting to take responsibility for the role, but sure wanting credit for the image of being Nanna.

The impact of this and my own desire to emotionally grow up by surrendering over the ‘still in my heart younger versions of myself’ view of my life. Why I struggled with weight, finances, and relationships, and wanting to blame it on everyone in the world. All became my issues, my problems, and I could hear a nagging truth from I believe to be my true self repeated over and over, “Just grow up!”

As I have been growing, maturing, and dragging my ass through this new chapter, I have come to see why my grandmother did not have saggy skin, why she had a hobby, why she cooked and prepared lunches for my Poppy. Most of all why she always kept a light on outside, the door unlocked, and sat in her favorite chair crocheting or doing crossword puzzles to keep her brain active. She was letting me be the kid, guiding me while she listened without judgement over late night tea and toast with cheese whiz. Hearing my crazy victim stories of how horrible my life was at the home where there was a roof over my head, food on the table, two parents who were a little immature and a part of the wave of why we are now entitled, and I am sure tired of us and our developing egos of, “who was going to get more at Christmas! Who was getting the most attention!” Without a care in the world of the other problems and broken hearts they had been carrying because kids are unconsciously and unaware of being selfish in a world that’s all about them until some mature adult decides to make it all about them.

Most of all my Nan kept a light on in her heart as the days would have come to an end.  Eventually I became a mother, watching and admiring what it took to make that home grow. I took it all in and wanted it all so bad, but did a half-assed job up until now. Don’t get me wrong, there was love, organization, peace, respect, routine, and yes we had a duty to be present when the special occasions arose, and never sit in the chair of the patriarch at dinner time.

As I have been driving and processing through “why” I still do not have a copy of my published book, I have realized that I had been so busy growing up, embracing the process of my aging home that is inside of me. The legacy of my Nan’s heart sits as a piece inside of me and she has waited a long time for me to come home, to the home and the legacy that came from her and her seed. I have been quietly observing the immaturity, and the dislike has pushed me away from the false lights and the energy of believing that this world could be wiser than the Divine intuition and instincts that the wisest of women in the generations of healers gave me. Wise words of, “Just deal with it”, “stop whining”, “stop complaining”, “quit having tantrums”, “its time to grow up” and “only you can make your life better”. I would hear these statements all the time, even from my Mother. The woman who while in her true self, had great wisdom to share.

When I would ask my grandparents about the past, they would say, “it’s the past, be thankful for it because if it wasn’t for the past you would not be present and we would not have anything that you have today! So grow up and say thank you for the opportunity to be a mature adult and build onto what has been given, but always remember to keep the foundation strong.”

I have come to understand the meaning behind those words in so many ways as my Grandmother would make everyone leave their differences at the door to come together even if just for an hour. That hour was time in the present moment, and the joy of the present moment sure outweighs hours of digging up the past of the “he said” “she said” game. As kids, it was a moment of pure fun, peace, and love, and we just got to be the kids sitting and eating at the little tables and occasionally having a sip of Baby Duck Champaign, a little bit was never going to kill us, so we sipped the ounce of wine, chuckling with pride.

Memories is what builds a home. Memories of love and healthy conversations, leaving the world outside, and this is exactly what we do when returning to home and to the relationship with the spirit and the soul. We leave that out there, and this in here, and we return to the union of love.

Allow a home to age with dignity, stop running away and bonding, stop putting on the band aid. Clear it, clean it, and repair the foundation. Most important of all, keep a light on and fill it with healthy love so that kids can just be kids and the grownups can care for the grown up stuff with dignity and pride. Follow the grandparent inspiration, healthy influence of love, integrity, maturity, and a safe place to gain wisdom instead of fear.

They are looking at us all, shaking their heads and thinking, “Are you all done yet? Are you ready to finally go home and clean up the mess?” The Grandmothers of the world are reminding us that the children are watching and this behavior is the biggest disease to their minds and their souls. The adults are destroying their homes, their lives, and the bad behavior has now become acceptable.

We are allowing our children to be guided by imposters to the light with desires to protect their own homes and not yours. Shut it all down. Leave it at door, and get back inside your own heart. Let’s start moving beyond the distractions that numb us and start feeling the truth inside.

Put down the phone, walk away from the TV, get out of the video games, stop crunching, munching, hooting and sipping, convincing yourself that the distractions and avoidance of your reality of life is helping in any way.

Find balance and moderation in a moment of fun, don’t make it a lifestyle, otherwise we then start to perceive it as reality. Deal with your home, and please lets understand that the children are depending on us to mature!

Stop feeding, fueling, and making problems that are distracting us from the truth and stop imitating the unhealthy shadow imposters! Let’s get real. The only reason we have a world behaving this way is because someone with a desire to be something is not getting their own way. Now don’t look away, go look in the mirror, take a deep breath,  pray to the ancestors, and leave it there. Go prepare a home, leave being immature to the children as that is their job not yours, and save a seat at the table and feed and fuel them with love.

Are you ready to save yourself from more of the misery so that we can put our focus where it belongs, providing homes of love and light?

As a grandmother I am tired of watching you all fight for the same shit. I want my granddaughter to have her own story, not to have to live in mine or yours. I want her to have the freedom to choose, to seek and discover for herself. I want her to not to be told that this person is here to protect, or here to harm, and most of all I want her to never think that she is unworthy of a privileged life, but rather to understand that life only comes with the choices she will choose: kindness, compassion, and hard work. The elders no matter what, had done the same as everyone else. They did the best with what they knew and as we now know better, our job is to do better. I planted seeds and created a home within me that has no need to be a voice of anger but only of love. My legacy and my work will be one of love, well maintained, and a place that my granddaughter will be proud to say that her Nanna inspired and influenced her to always forgive but never let anyone put out her true light in the home that God and the universe has provided with love for all to care for. I will sit in my chair wearing my crown of the Grandmother, aging with dignity, love, respect, and giving thanks for the honor and privilege to grow old. My words, my light, and my love no one will take from me, for I have taken too many years to find the courage to live a life of More Than Existing™.

Together, let’s create one big healthy world by making a personal commitment to be the pieces of the foundation we decide to repair. Let’s stop letting imitation light be the light guiding our future generations and instead build one big beautiful home. Isn’t it time that all the children of the world get to actually be children? Lets stop nurturing the monsters inside of us and coddling the bad behaviors. Lets open the windows and clean the house, so we may finally breathe again.  

I am a grandmother and my aging home has a true light as I have a faith that is true, a belief in magic and miracles, and I believe that we still have a chance!